Two more entries in our “Can You Write Better Than This Junk” Contest. I’m pretty sure one of them will offend some readers.
The first is from Gary Burgess:
Gary explains:
“I no longer work in commercial radio, now that I’m at the BBC – but I thought I’d give this Target competition a go. You might think this is a load of tosh – in which case feel free to delete!
The thrust of the ad is that in a stress-filled world, it might be more cost-effective to fill your home with some soothing and calming furnishings, than spend a fortune on therapy!”
And then there’s this entry from David Sprague:
“This commercial was inspired by practically every trip to Target with my wife. There is no such thing as, ‘I just want to look around for a minute.’ “
Your comments, Dear Readers?
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Gary: Beautifully executed, Lovely voice used… except for the fact that maybe the pauses are a tad long to fill the 30second time frame.
(I know… I know it’s supposed to be about the script).
Sorry…it’s too much like a Mastercard advert (this @ $4 that @ $200 but this …Priceless). In fact I thought you were even going to say it.
David: Yeah right. The client would love that. HAHA – Recovering addicts go to Target. Betty Ford watch out…Although I just can’t believe you managed to get so much into 30seconds – without it sounding too cluttered.
OHHHH SO POLITICALLY UNCORRECT!
but that’s why david nails it nicely.
It’s believable (any guy married can relate to that one!) the voice talent delivery is perfectly suited to what you’re trying to achieve, and the bed is also ideal for what he’s trying to do.
My fav thus far. I’m not exactly politically correct.
maybe more risque morning shows might play it? it would certainly get people talking about the spot, but whether they would remember the store or the call to action maybe up for debate. More of a parody spot, but oh so well done.
I assume you mean the thing about the guy being “on the wagon,” which is not offensive to me so much as confusing, in a non-sequitur way; what the hell does it have to do with anything…
Both well produced, #1 good writing. Well paced, thought provoking. a “different pacing” from the blam blam blam of commercial radio. Stands out without more noise. Less is more.
#2 – (this is like American Idol!) You completed the assignment but it’s not the song the city fathers or advertiser hoped to hear. It drives you to out of control drink not that positivism that is intended to be exuded by the product line brand imaging coordinator.
Thanks for the feedback.
The pauses are too long – I was in the unusual situation of trying to stretch the script to a 30″ rather than having to cram so much in.
I’d leave someone else to the production in a real situation!!!
yeah frank, that’s what makes # 2 great! It should be a parody spot I admit, but it’s so well done….I’m sure they’d never go with it….
It is worth mentioning that I wrote and produced the spot purely in jest. It should in no way be perceived as something I would legitmately present to a client 🙂
But getting dragged to Target for “just a few minutes” usually leads to fantasies of Budweiser. Thus the tag line offering the option of shopping online.
Just wanted to have a little fun in the production room….
You did dave….like I said, you should be writing parody. like I said bang on for read, and bed behind it. The female voice also bang on for delivery. You’ve got a great ear for “jest” spots 🙂