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ENTRIES #23, 24, 25: Make A Better "Target" Radio Commercial Contest

Three more hopeful entries in our “Can You Write Better Than This Junk” contest…

Billie Jo Weyant says:

“I think this contest is an awesome idea and so much fun! I enlisted the help of my dear friend and the ‘guy who hired me’ nearly 30 years ago, Dave Parsons for my ad. Dave and I together bring with us almost 60 years of broadcasting and copy writing! Had a blast doing this and thanks again!”

Billie Jo Weyant:

Amit Rathore explains:

“I have tried to establish relation between dreams, desire and nature.”

Amit Rathore:

And our third entrant today is from the notoriously taciturn Chris Malone:

Just two more days and this contest is over, guys. So….What’s your feedback on these three spots?

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  • Bryan Cox March 19, 2009, 7:09 am

    OK here goes…
    The spot shows no creativity…just a 2 voice spot like a billion others. Good voices though

    At times the accent was hard to understand…nice job.. I thought your accent added a touch of mystery and class to the spot. It really made you listen to the words. I’m sure if I had to read a spot in any if India’s dialects…it would really SUCK…good on you Armit

    Sounds like a radio guy in the production room working on the 15th same ol same ol spot for that day. You really have a great voice buddy!! Just put some life to the words

    All 3 spots were kind of cool, read well and you all have really good voices and that is my 2 cents worth.

  • jonathan Lumley March 20, 2009, 1:55 pm

    mmmm. The best of the lot here is Armit. It’s not hurried and has a conclusion. I have found it interesting to hear how the “American” entrants have managed to squeeze all this into a 30 second spot. It’s not easy is it? It seems to me like you normally have a lot more time to in your adverts to get to the point.
    Billie – who is the other voice, a genie, a fairy. It just appears and we have to believe it.
    And Chris yours is almost running to a “formula” y’know hit the headline and and present the info and out…but it’s like you ran out of time.
    Yet Armit’s is unhurried and despite the accent (and this is about the script) I thought it was pretty damn good.

  • adam g March 21, 2009, 2:29 am

    Hi jonathan…yes I see your point…You all haves some things to offer…and we all know the script in our heads already…and every one is at a different level.
    And each entrant has a different goal they want to attack…this first Male/Female was a somewhat interesting script…some heat I could tell…subtext I liked…yet if you would like to improve- practice your copy and “say” The words don’t read them…takes practice…tighten the dead spots.

    2nd spot relaxed…you seemed to enjoy the words you said…not a Radio spot…which is not a put down…intrigueing yet passion for the slae merchandise is pretty important…you also sound confident
    3rd over equalized at the start and through out.. work on the saying part…and yet you may have been doing spots a long time like I said the script is lodged in our heads…so we have expectations…I may lose focus on the spot though from the filter push…I did hear some passion and some subtext…I could picture you in a bare house interior dancing like a magician “walla” yet I wonder if some soundeffects of you”wandering in each room” would help…a viewers perspective sorta far off sounding…?
    Nice job guys! Ad