DAN O’DAY TALKS ABOUT RADIO

The commercial….

The transcript of that commercial:

Are you on the go, all the time…in more ways than one? If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time, you could have an overactive bladder, or OAB. You may qualify for a research study involving an investigational medication for the treatment of an overactive bladder. West Coast Clinical Research, in the San Fernando Valley, is conducting this study. The West Coast Clinical Research staff is a team of medical research professionals. Qualified participants must be women between the ages of 18 and 70 years old who are experiencing overactive bladder symptoms, including a frequent urge to urinate with little or no warning. If you qualify for the study, all study-related care will be provided at no cost, including exams, study medication, and financial compensation will also be provided for time and travel. Call West Coast Clinical Research at 818-776-0820 to see if you could be a candidate for the overactive bladder study. That’s 818-776-0820. Call 818-776-0820.

Obviously, this is a very personal problem. But it’s an impersonal commercial. It also could be improved with some ruthless editing.

If any given element doesn’t increase the impact of the sales message and isn’t required, get rid of it.

Example: It’s necessary to identify the advertiser. But telling us that “the West Coast Clinical Research staff is a team of medical research professionals” isn’t required, and it doesn’t increase the impact of the message. “West Coast Clinical Research” successfully conveys the necessary note of authority; pointing out that it’s staffed with a team of medical professionals belabors the obvious.

Does knowing that “overactive bladder” also is known as “OAB” do anything to increase the likelihood of a targeted listener picking up the phone? I can’t imagine how. They threw in some industry jargon simply because they have it. Quite possibly in the offices of West Coast Clinical Research they always refer to it as OAB. But the target audience doesn’t, and there’s nothing to be gained (in this commercial) by teaching people the acronym.

When reviewing your copy, one of the first questions to ask yourself is, “Can I delete the opening line without weakening the message?” Surprisingly often, the answer is yes. This test should have been applied to this copy. Compare:

(Original beginning:) Are you on the go, all the time…in more ways than one? If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time….

(Ruthlessly edited beginning) If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time….

The second version starts the commercial faster without sacrificing anything.

The spot is okay. The problem they’re targeting is specific enough that that commercial, as is, will attract some response. But it could be much stronger.

Here’s a rewrite that focuses on the person it’s trying to reach, rather than on “the study.”

Are you a woman who frequently feels an urgent need to urinate with very little warning? You might not realize it’s quite common among American adults. But you know what it’s like to be nervous whenever you leave your home…To make sure that wherever you go, the first thing you do is locate the nearest bathroom — just in case. You know how humiliating it feels when suddenly you’re forced to rush from a meeting or a social function. Well, you might qualify for a research study involving an investigational medication for the treatment of overactive bladder. It’s for women between the ages of 18 and 70 who are experiencing symptoms that include a frequent urge to urinate with little or no warning. If you qualify, all study-related care will be provided to you at no cost — including exams and study medication. You’ll also receive financial compensation. To see if you could be a candidate for the overactive bladder study, call West Coast Clinical Research now at 818-776-0820. That’s 818-776-0820. 818-776-0820.

• I omitted “in the San Fernando Valley” because anyone in the audience suffering from that problem probably will be willing to drive anywhere in the L.A. area for help.

• I don’t recall the last time I wrote a commercial that ended — as most do — with the phone number given three times. But, again, for the targeted listener to motivation to act is so strong that I don’t think we need a callback to the original theme.

I gave the new script to voice actor extraordinaire Ann DeWig, along with these instructions:

I’m attaching the mediocre spot that I’ve completely rewritten — so you can hear the fake, impersonal tone of the woman who’s reading copy rather than talking to someone who suffers from an embarrassing, intimate problem.

Notes:

• Because unlike the original copy we say “overactive bladder study” only once, you have to make sure to hit that. Not hard enough to stop the conversational flow, but enough so that the name of the study is brought to the forefront.

• “Financial compensation” — Although that will appeal to prospects, it’s not the primary motivation. So treat it as gravy (uh, bad image there), an added bonus rather than a reason for someone to call.

• This might be a challenge, given that the copy begins with, “Are you a woman who…” But try doing this as though you’re:

1. Talking to your old college roommate, whom you haven’t seen for a long time. Lunch in a restaurant, and she keeps getting up to use the bathroom.

2. Talking to your mother, who has this problem and has fooled herself into thinking that not even her family has noticed her behavior.

3. Walking in the park on a sunny day, feeling carefree. You spot a 30-ish woman seated on a bench, forlorn. Her self-esteem is shot. She feels like such a loser. (Obviously, because she has this problem.)

For all of them: Sympathetic, supportive, respectful, understanding — and you’re not at all embarrassed by the topic. It’s such a common ailment, and there might even be a new treatment for it.

Ann recorded the three different versions and included this cover note:

This WAS a challenge, but fun. I didn’t listen to the “example” until after…and she sounds like she’s selling furniture.

I just built the scenes and played them out as best I could.

I really like how you give direction. You build scenes instead of using words. VERY helpful. More work for you, but I think it nets better results. I like how the scenes themselves automatically set different tones (albeit subtly so).

Here are Ann’s three versions of the new commercial.

The College Roommate

The Mother

Woman on Park Bench

Hear any differences? Your comments…?

This is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever heard: the perfect blueprint for writing the kind of pop love ballad that radio stations love to play.

It’s the creation of Da Vinci’s Notebook. Thanks to Paul and Storm for giving me permission to share this with you.

My favorite moment is at 3:31, on the word “modulation.”

May, 1994: My first visit to Wisconsin, and my first visit to Minnesota when it wasn’t winter!

First stop was Madison, Wisconsin, where PD Greg Schnirring arranged for me to conduct an air talent seminar for the staff of Wisconsin Public Radio. (Yes, believe it or not, public radio stations occasionally allow a philistine such as I to work directly with their on-air performers.)

Now, I’ve been in more than my share of college towns, but I was surprised at how beautiful Madison was. I found myself fantasizing about renting a cabin by the lake during the summer…and this was just during the ride in from the airport.

Joy Cardin acted as my chauffeur and also handled the numerous details of the seminar itself. We all ate lunch outside the Student Union building, overlooking the lake…Just gorgeous. I wish I could have stayed longer to explore the area.

As soon as the seminar ended, I was whisked back to the airport for a flight to St. Paul, where on the following day I conducted an air talent seminar for Minnesota Public Radio, thanks to Arthur Cohen and Loren Omoto. (If you work in commercial radio, you might not know that Minnesota and Wisconsin have the two of the most successful public radio operations in the country.)

Our seminar was held in a very impressive museum building (the name of which I failed to make note). Our luncheon was held in the building’s cafeteria, where I had the most obvious dish to order when in Minnesota: Chicken Gumbo. (I can’t wait for my next visit to New Orleans, where I’ll be sure to order Minnesota Wild Rice Soup.)

MPR housed me at the Saint Paul Hotel, which is a pretty fancy place with a very good restaurant called “The Grill.” (I dined there that evening with Arthur and his wife, and the food was very good.)

I made a quick trip the following week to Atlanta, where I conducted an air talent seminar for WNNX. GM Mark Renier and PD Brian Phillips had a very successful, high-charged operation there.

I changed planes in Chicago, where I had a disconcerting experience that reminded me of the old Twilight Zone episode about the woman who drove cross-country and kept seeing a strange hitch-hiker (who turned out to be Death).

The restrooms at O’Hare Airport have sinks without faucet handles. They are equipped somehow to sense when you put your hands near the faucet, and the water automatically turns on. At least, that’s how it worked for everyone else. But no matter how hard I tried, how quickly or slowly I moved my hands over the sink basin, the water would not come.

I tried another sink; no luck. I tried EVERY other sink; nothing. But everyone else seemed to have no trouble getting water with which to wash their hands.

My taxi ride back to the airport in Atlanta introduced me to a cab driver who had a speech pattern that I simply could not understand. This, however, did not stop him from talking to me for the entire ride. He would speak a couple of paragraphs and then say, “Y’know what I mean?” (That was the only phrase I could make out entirely.)

Whenever he’d say, “Y’know what I mean,” I would reply, “Yes.” Then he would say — nodding emphatically — “Uh-huh.” And then he’d speak for a few more paragraphs.

We had a wonderful 20-minute conversation….I guess. I have no idea what we talked about, but he seemed pleased that I agreed with him.