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October, 1997 (continued):

After an uneventful taxi ride to Peoria Airport, I entered the ticket area to discover a very long line of people in front of the United Airlines counter. Peoria is a small airport, and the last thing I expected to find was a long line of travelers.

While standing in line, I heard someone mention “cancelled flight.” I went up to check the board and, sure enough, my flight to Chicago had been cancelled…with the next flight scheduled more than three hours later.

This meant, I assumed, that everyone who was supposed to be on my flight would be bumped to the later flight…if there were enough seats available. Because my flight from Chicago to Peoria the day before had been crowded, it seemed likely that some of us would not make that one, either.

peoria travel

You'd Put Coins Inside These And Then Talk. Really.

So I did what we road warriors have learned to do in situations like this: I left the long line of customers and headed for a *pay phone, from which I called United Airlines.

*Ask your grandparents.

Sure enough, they were able to get me on the later flight…even snagging the exact seat I wanted. (If you ever find yourself flying on an ATP — a small prop-jet — I recommend seat 1B. It’s the only seat on the plane with any leg room.)

The following week featured the kind of productive schedule I especially like: On Tuesday morning, I presented How To Critique Radio Talent for Patterson Broadcasting’s Managers Meeting here in Los Angeles.

Then it was off to the airport for a flight to Seattle, where on Wednesday I presented The Total Quality Service Radio Station for the Washington State Broadcasters Association’s annual convention. This was my first opportunity to work with Mark Allen, and I’m happy to say I was invited to return to that venue in 1998, too, to present a different broadcast management seminar.

Then on Wednesday I presented How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising for American Radio Systems. This was my second time working with Fred Schumacher; I had spent a couple of days with the programming and sales staffs of KMPS several years earlier.

Next Installment: A would-be comedian flight attendant…and the gorgeous woman who insisted on sitting next to me during a 10-hour flight to Europe.

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radio programming time spent listening

This is from a show prep service, which in turn took it from someone else’s website:

The average air speed of the common housefly is:
A)  2.5 miles per hour
B)  4.5 miles per hour
C)  6.5 miles per hour
D)  8.5 miles per hour

Answer: Who cares??

How can you use the air speed of the common housefly as the basis of an on-air trivia question that will generate phone calls and involve the rest of your listeners?

Compare it to the speed of at least one other entity.

How about…?

Which travels faster?

A)  A common housefly in flight
B)  Tobacco juice spat directly onto the ground by a major league baseball player

or

A)  A common housefly in flight
B)  The winning entry in this year’s (Local Fundraiser’s) 3-Legged Race

or

A)  A common housefly in flight
B)  (Afternoon Jock) as he crawls home from a night of pub hopping. (Find out how fast the average adult can crawl and cite that as your benchmark.)

or

A)  A common housefly in flight
B)  An amoeba. (The amoeba loses, big time. A housefly averages 4.5 miles per hour, while an amoeba would travel only around 12 millimeters in the same time period.)

or

A)  A common housefly in flight
B)  An earthworm. (Another loser, covering only 18 yards per hour. And that’s assuming he’s well-conditioned.)

A good on-air trivia question involves the entire audience. It challenges them, intrigues them, or — best of all — makes them smile.

For 15 years I wrote and published a comedy service called O’LINERS.

I hired two Hollywood game show writers to write a page of trivia questions.

I told them that every question had to be fully researched and documented.

And I told them that I wanted listeners to smile when they heard the question.

Here’s one of the questions they came up with for the very first issue, and it remains my all-time favorite radio trivia question:

“Which holds more: The gas tank of a Volkswagen Rabbit…or an elephant’s bladder?”

They had the answer, but the answer really is irrelevant. It was the question itself that was worth hearing.

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A while ago Dick Orkin and I began a rather aimless, fairly formless writing project that Dick entitled “Dreaming In Commercials.”

Perhaps one day we’ll get around to completing it.

In the meantime, here’s the first installment….

Dick Orkin radio commercials

Dick Orkin

Dick Orkin writes…

“I don’t like writing commercials!”

That was the most frequent answer I got in a poll I conducted.

Why did so many tell me that?

I asked them and they told me why.

“No time.”

“I don’t get paid for that.”

“The client doesn’t want anything creative.”

“I have no talent.”

“Everything I come up with is boring….”

They are all familiar words, and I suppose they hold a grain of truth. But I think they missed an essential if not the essential cause – at least the most interesting cause – of their dislike.

I can tell them why they don’t like writing commercials – and as long as you’re sitting here,reading this, I’ll tell you as well.

The commercials they write are boring as all hell to themselves and others.

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RADIO HUMOR WITHOUT CONTEXT = “HUH?”

A local radio station is attempting to inject personality into a rather stale, music-intensive format by having its jocks deliver topical one-liners over song intros.

The jokes themselves are pretty good: timely and quick.

But there two things severely limit the effectiveness of this tactic.

1. Except for the occasional one-liner — apparently delivered according to a predetermined schedule — the jocks never say anything else aside from the basics.

So a typical hour consists of 59 minutes, 40 seconds of no personality plus 20 seconds of humorous comment. The effect is jarring.

2. Possibly because they are required to deliver the line only within the time frame of the song intro, the jocks aren’t identified within the breaks where they do the jokes.

So one song ends, the listener hears a recorded liner or jingle, another song begins, and then an anonymous, disembodied voice makes a humorous comment about something in the day’s news.

Well, who is making that observation?

Comedy without context can be only slightly amusing, at best. And definitely not memorable.

Result? Instead of delivering a “Ha!” experience to the listener, the radio station delivers a “Huh?” experience.

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The fact that I never would watch this show is irrelevant.

The fact that I never heard of it until this 10-second radio commercial came on and 10 seconds later I understood:

A new “reality show” is debuting on CBS

and

the concept of the program (i.e., “what it’s about”)…

…demonstrates that it is possible to run 10-second radio commercials without wasting your money.

(Okay, we’re assuming it’s also heard by people who don’t share my distastes for “reality shows” and celebrity worshipping.)

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