DAN O’DAY TALKS ABOUT RADIO

Dick Orkin, Dan O'Day

This is the fourth installment in a series that began with Dick Orkin repeatedly hearing this refrain from radio station salespeople:

“I don’t like writing commercials!”

Dick surveyed a large number of radio account executives to determine their most common reasons for viewing “commercial copywriting” negatively.

Ultimately he concluded, “The commercials they write are boring as all hell to themselves and others.”

Why? In my experience, most often it’s because he people writing them have nothing to say.

And that’s because:

A)  They haven’t done enough research. (You don’t need to know anything about the guy who’s just ordered a Big Mac. Just wrap it up and give it to him.)

B)  They haven’t been provided with enough information.

C)  They don’t know that their job is important.

D)  Bad commercials are the industry standard, so no one complains when they exchange perfectly good money for worthless word tripe .

E)  They’re not trying to communicate a valuable message.

F)  They don’t know they’re supposed to be writing human messages that will, one hopes, be heard by humans.

G)  They don’t combine their formal research with their lifetime of experiential research — both of their own experiences of those of others.

What is the advice given to every would-be writer?

“Write about what you know.”

Raise your hand if you’ve heard that one.

Keep your hand up if that makes sense to you.

You’re probably not interested in reading a bookkeeper’s imaginary account of how he singlehandedly scaled Mt. Everest when you know he’s never set foot outside of Ottumwa, Iowa, do you?

So if your hand is still up, then:

Why in the world do you presume to write a commercial for the local dress boutique when you know nothing about dresses, nothing about boutiques, nothing about that shop, and nothing about their customers?

First find out, THEN write.

I’m sitting in the dental chair, trying to banish all thoughts of MARATHON MAN from my mind, when my dentist says, “So you teach radio people how to do their jobs better, right?”

“Well,” I reply, “my job is to show them ways of communicating more effectively with their listeners.”

He arches an eyebrow and holds a gleaming, scary metallic tool in front of my nose.

“Right,” I say. “I teach radio people how to do their jobs better. Exactly.”

He nods. “It must be hard to talk to people you can’t see and who can’t answer back.”

I think a moment, then: “Do you ever talk to people on the phone?”

“Yes.”

“But you can’t see them when you’re talking to them, right?”

“Right.”

“Have you ever spoken to someone on the phone for an entire minute, just you talking but without the other person having a chance to speak for that minute while he listened to you?”

“Sure.”

“So if you have something that you think they’ll be interested in hearing and you genuinely try to communicate it to them, it doesn’t really matter that they can’t see you and that, at least for a minute or so, they don’t even speak. Right?”

Long pause.

“Rinse and spit, please.”

(Note To Self: Inasmuch as my health insurance doesn’t include Dental, check with accountant to see if now I can deduct this visit as a business expense.)

First, listen to the commercial:

Now, what do you remember?

And that’s immediately after you deliberately listened to it. Imagine the impact that advertisement made on consumers who had the radio on at the time but had no reason to stop what they were doing and try to pay attention to it.

They begin by giving us alternate definitions of the word “new” — as though the targeted listener woke up this morning thinking, “Gee, I wonder what ‘new’ really means?” or even “Gee, I wonder what’s new?”

Here’s a line that’s guaranteed to put any listener to sleep: “The youngest and freshest in the Luxury Car class, backed by 125 years of innovation.”

Hint: If you want to sell the idea of “new,” don’t tell people that it’s a continuation of a 125-year old tradition. (Yes, they say “125 years of innovation,” but what sticks with the listener is “125 years,” not “innovation.”)

If you managed to prevent your mind from wandering away from this radio commercial, what’s the one thing that actually sounded interesting?

Right. The “Attention Assist, which can detect and alert drivers if they become drowsy.”

That’s a genuinely interesting feature. Perhaps even — as Mercedes claims — an innovation.

Too bad it was lost among all the meaningless blather, accentuated by blandly irrelevant music.

Oh, one more thing.

This radio commercial aired on July 24. Yet it attempts to tie Mercedes’ alleged innovation to the “New Year” of 2011.

If you’re unfamiliar with Mike Nichols & Elaine May….

This sketch evolved out of improvisations they performed at Chicago’s Compass Theater (the forerunner of Second City).

And if you’re not sure of the chronologically: Yes, Elaine May made this character famous years before Lily Tomlin came along. I’m just sayin’…