A friend forwarded an emailed pitch for a cruise ship.
Here’s the mind boggling opening line:
“A sea voyage is like a trackless train ride across the water fields, relying only on the principles of physics and magic to keep your vessel floating above the water on a thin cushion of air.”
Your Challenge:
1. Figure out what they’re trying to say.
2. Find a way to express that message…even worse than they did.
3. Post your entry below.
The winner will receive full bragging rights.
Good luck, and enjoy your trackless train ride across the water fields.
Comments on this entry are closed.
I give up. They win. That sucks!
I know – a hovercraft ! – No? how about a boat?! – NO?
I know a train that crosses a low bridge over a river that may flood at any moment turning the train into a Harry Potteresq journey of magic and fun ?
NO?
I don’t know what they are saying – so they can only possibly mean one thing, this …
“An advertisment for this service is like a novel with no end – no begining – and no words on the pages – you can use your imagination to fill in the blanks – where your jouney will end up – is any ones guess.”
Just like what the brief for this could have posibly been about.
I think I’ll pass on the bragging rights thanks Dan – in fact, I now want to go and hang my head in shame and climb into a very dark closet for even attempting to post a reply to this post.
the sea , the ocean , a man and a boat , dare you take the journey, a journey beyond the tides, beyond the sea , beyond beyond……
Nothing inspires confidence and desire more than making the customer think that the people in charge have no idea why the boat won’t sink.
Why didn’t they do a deal with James Cameron and add in footage of the Titanic’s sinking scenes? That makes as much sense!
Upon this voyage the sea is your road, the ship your car, yet there are no wheels, no stop signs, no traffic officers on motorbikes and in the place of airbags there are life jackets.
Trick question! It’s one of those super vague prescription ads adapted to radio.
I probably could write worse than this, but I am confident that several sales folk and a few agencies I work with absolutely can!
“They used to think that a boat made of metal wouldn’t float. Lucky for you… they were wrong! We now offer ginormous sea faring vessels to shuttle you to any tourist trap near water. And it’s mostly all inclusive!”
1. It’s scary to ride what we’re offering you. But you wanna coz you’re a thrill seeker.
2. A sea voyage is like an airplane without wings. The adventure begins when you rely only on the principles of physics that make it magic. Ever wondered how it is to a ride on a thin cushion of air?
3. Hahahaha! It’s fun, having fun. =)
I could if I had a sledge hammer, a monkey, and explosives (explosives always make everything better lol)
A sea voyage is like a fine woman.
No, no…that’s not right.
A sea voyage is like a fishing trip. Except on a much bigger boat, in the middle of the ocean, and with way more people. And with no fishing.
Hmmm….
A sea voyage is like….
Imagine yourself located on a floating building at sea. The only thing that keeps you from razor sharp barnacles is the ships steel and amenities……..
I give up…
The glassy reflection of the ocean. The romance of the sea. The carefree life aboard a luxury line. Were the winds never blow, and waves never crash, treat yourself to one of our cruises…you’ll be safe because we’re pretty sure we learned what went wrong with the Titanic and we won’t let that happen.
Embark on a enchanting journey across pastures of crystalline glass with the wind at your back and the power of good juju guiding your journey! Fear not young traveler; for our captains have piloted the finest toy vessels across bathtubs and will surely discover what all of these knobs and swtiches do before we leave! Free hotdog for everyone who sails our magic hovering funtime box.
A sea voyage is like flying over the ocean, only in a really slow plane flying dangerously low. For all your sea voyage needs, cruise with Ted’s Cruises, family owned and operated for several weeks. Our state of the art ships feature cutting edge innovations like the SeaMaster
9000 SatNav system. Ted’s offers cruises on the Atlantic, Pacific and so much more. We’re conveniently located near the water, with plenty of free parking. Call Ted’s at 1-888-SEA-VOYAGE or look for our ad in the Daily Fishwrap. Oh, and be sure to check out our website at http://www.somethingthatcanbespelledseveraldifferentways.com.
Lots of cliches, written from the client’s perspective rather than the customer’s, multiple calls to action to muddy the water (so to speak.) Have I left anything out?
It was a dark and stormy night, but I had no fear of the fear of the dark because I was in my \StormyNight 3000\, laughing at the stormy dark. Available in Black or Pink with a 10% discount if you mention this add or present a 20% OFF COUPON from our website HTTP/www.darkSTORmyNITE/radio/twitterguy/9754-344frump.org/buyyoursnow/qxd or call 800-sto-myni…that’s 800-sto-myni…that’s 1-800-sto-myni
I was the “voice” for a huge TV cable company for some fourteen years. It finally hit me that I needed to terminate my relationship with them. It serves me no value if they demand that I “voice” this kind of bad copy, as it reflects badly on me as a production guy.
If I get “exposure” over six states…and it’s BAD from the gitgo…how does that help me position myself as “the pro…” If you can, sometimes you just need to walk away or get creative control. A truly gifted and competent copy writer is as rare as gold. I will NOT compromise any more. It leaves my shop, it better be good enough to have my signature on it because it DOES! Pick your battles, try to educate when you can, you won’t win every one of them, but try! I’ve had the luxury of firing clients that refused to let me do my work. They were extremely stupid! Their loss!
I’ve worked for radio stations that demanded that I just “cut the commercial…the client wrote it”… this gets really complicated really fast… one client demanded that we stop for five seconds then do the copy…five seconds of “dead air” she wanted…I as program director refused…myself and the sales manager almost got into a fist fight as to who had control of that one…and yes, I won! But know that there are idiots out there, both on your station’s payroll as well as in ad agencies that really are clueless…do your best!!! Good luck!!!
Rock on!
Ralph Allen
The commercial would benefit more by starting with a question. Something like “wanna be on a boat?”
Starting with a question is the single best way to engage 100% of the listening audience and keep them on the edge of their seats for the 30 or 60 seconds to hear the rest of what you have to say.
Physics is magic? There’s you, in a vessel, on a cushion..of air. You’re in the middle of the ocean. You hear waves. You see sea. You feel full and but not queazy from the six course meals served 24/7. You’re glad you didn’t take the train because trains don’t float.