Two more entries for our thrilling “Can You Write Better Than This Junk” Contest.
Wayne Turso notes: “I wrote it and did the male voice. My wife did the female voice.”
Our second entry of the day was written by Peter Gladwin and produced by Gary Gerber:
I’m sure Wayne, Peter and Gary are eagerly awaiting your feedback on their work….
Comments on this entry are closed.
Those two spots really show two completely different positions…one speaks to the trailer park and the other speaks to those who can buy the trailer park. Wayne I had a bit of a hard time hearing certain words, you seemed to fade away from the mic a bit. Maybe that was just the “stream” quality
I also entered the competition so I’m treading carefully here. Really.
Wayne – Who is the character in your advert? It’s who?… the what redneck? I know it’s your voice and might not be the “real delivery” in a proper advert. But I’ve listened to it over and over and I don’t catch it. My guess is the average listener would miss it on-air and then miss the whole advert. Or were you trying to build a “character” just for a sale event?…tricky.
But this competition is supposed to be about the script, not how badly we deliver our own copy in the advert.
It’s about the script. But the copy rambles on about this secret (is anyone fooled by the concept of a voice on the radio telling you not to “speak to loudly” Or “come closer” anymore?) and then uses the original “bad commercial” main copy about nature inspired motifs bla bla bla.
It’s like you’ve put a donut together with your top and tails and the Bad advert in the middle, it’s like the advert got in the way of a good idea. And yet the thing that stands out for me is the line
“…get your pants on” then my ears prick up and then you do the old swipe back to the character to deliver a punch line, which relates back to this “secret” not to Target.
Odd.
And now the target (excuse the pun) audience, does Target really want “rednecks” at this sale? If they do…why should I be there?…nasty people with no pants…No thanks!
And then Peter and Gary – why set the scene with the chaos of life by throwing every sound effect you can into a mix space of 6 seconds. (nice heels you wear by the way)…But come on we all knew this was meant to be a 30second spot, why open it with a cacophony of SFX, to try and set the scene of a “rushed” hectic day, and before you say “But that’s what it’s meant to depict” I listened to it many times before I understood why the advert opened with a siren, and then there were suddenly footsteps (and do you pull up into your driveway like that?)
It may have worked if it was a 40 or a 45 second spot where you have the time, but not for a 30 second spot. The SFX are just noise. I don’t feel it works for a home sale, but it might be good for a Security company.
I know once again it’s supposed to be about the script so lets look at that.
The sound effects are meant to tell us a story and juxtapose the craziness of an average day with the tranquility of your own home. But “aahhh home” sounds like the guy is cracking open a beer, not enjoying his décor.
I love the lines “Turn your house into a home” and even “…Create a sense of calm and well-being” both of these lines may have been better headlines.
But the way the advert plays out, are we meant to believe this “voice” has already been to the sale and now he’s calm, or will the sale Help him find tranquillity in his life.
Nice try gang but No, I don’t think they’re good enough – both spots are an improvement on the original, but not sufficiently improved to be deemed “Champion Target Home Design Event Sale” spot.
Now having said all of that ; I’ve probably unleashed the the “hounds of hell” when it comes to my effort…
So I guess …Let the blood (no make that) ink-shed begin…
Hi guys, thanks for the critiques.
All points taken on board.
We live and learn as we take our lumps.
Radio is my passion, and I feel truly privileged to be in such exalted company.
“The pictures on radio are always better”
Blue Skies,
Peter Gladwin
South Africa
Sorry Peter – I didn’t want to come over harshly. I totally agree with you about “painting pictures” but paint them with words.
As we try and paint everyday to make “our” adverts better. Shot for trying bru! 😉
Jonathan – Durban – South Africa
great that you guys tossed your hard work into the hat…
Wayne-The I have a secret is really wonderful for audiobooks and Radio shows where I want to listen but the radio commercial ( my entry is similar)is where people do not want to listen…and i do not want to drag my ear closer to ya…unless you make me Like you… now maybe if I felt for you and you dragged my ear AFTER your wife slams you..that might work..No excitement about savings on Furniture (subtext baby)I think you attempt this Wayne but I will invest in you after you invest in me…or hey tell your best bud, “SliM” about the sale and he goes blabbing it ..okok I could not hear the til end of your production…
Peter and Gary….no excitement about savings on Furniture…( as The President John Quincy Adams exhales a pearl,”What’s Your Story?)having a reason behind the words personally for the character is so kicking …and worth listening..I heard the FX…car and steps…nothing in between..think of the whole 9 yards if you are gonna do them fx…( I have done that too)