A DJ’S FANTASY by Dan O’Day http://www.danoday.com PD to DJ: Here’s a special hotline number for you. Whenever you catch me screwing up during my airshift, please feel free to call and scream obscenities at me. GM to DJ: You’re just as important to this station as the most lowly salesperson. What model cellular phone do you want us to put in the leased car we’re trading out for you? GM to DJ: Do you have a minute? I’d like to explain this station’s overtime payment schedule for air talent. Spouse of station owner to DJ: Sure, I have a favorite song, but I would never ask you to play it. After all, you have a format to execute. Engineer to DJ: If you ever have any problem with the equipment, no matter how slight, just let me know and I’ll fix it right away. Otherwise, I promise never to speak to you unless you ask me to. GM to DJ: Our engineer works five days a week. Our office staff works five days a week. Our sales staff works five days a week. Why in the world should you be expected to work six (or even seven) days a week? Station owner to DJ: Look, I’m just a guy who bought himself a radio station. I wouldn’t dream of telling you how to entertain thousands of people; that’s your job. Salesperson to DJ: You do all that work to create such a marketable product. I feel so guilty about getting paid 15% of the fruits of your labor. Listener to DJ at a public appearance: You look exactly like you sound on the radio! Consultant to DJ: I’m afraid my travel schedule is so full that I won’t be able to visit your station until 2010. Previous DJ to next DJ: I’ve filed all my carts and discs. The log is up to date. I’ve disposed of my food wrappers. Because I smoke and you don’t, I’ve emptied the ashtray and sprayed air freshener in the studio. Here’s a fresh note pad, two newly sharpened pencils, and a bunch of show prep material I wasn’t able to fit in my show today. I’d love to stay and chat, but I want to get the updated weather forecast for you before I leave. GM to airstaff: This is the eighth consecutive ratings book in which we’ve lost both audience share and cume. We’ve gone through four format changes and seven PDs in four years. Obviously, I don’t have any idea how to manage a radio station. Therefore, I hereby tender my resignation. Listener to DJ: I got these five diaries in the mail from a company called Arbitron, but I’m not sure how to fill them out. You’re my very favorite air personality, so I figured I’d ask you for advice on what to do with these. Credit card company to DJ: We hope you enjoy your very own gold Visa card. Junk mail to DJ: Dear homeowner... Inspired by Stephen Lord’s "A Writer’s Fantasy" which appeared in the Writer’s Guild of America-West’s publication, "The Journal."