I’m sharing this sprinkler radio ad with his permission, with the sponsor name and phone number changed.
In a perfect world, it rains when you need it.
In the REAL world, you push a button and make
it rain with your state of the art sprinkler
system from Sprinkler World! Not only can you
turn on the rain, but you can save water with
new water efficient nozzles. Freeze and rain
sensors will automatically shut off the system
when icy and when it rains — saving your money
and water! For a free quote call 555-55-5555.
OR book on Facebook and save five-percent!
Sprinkler World. Things just got greener.
Dan’s Comments
Good opening line.
“state of the art sprinkler system”
That’s pretty generic and unconvincing.
Does the sprinkler system have a name?
If it’s XYZ Company’s Digital Autoflow sprinkler system (I’m just making that up), then you could say, “…make it rain with your own Digital Autoflow sprinkler system.”
Otherwise, what it says to me is, “If you want to be able to water your lawn, you should get a sprinkler system.”
“Freeze and rain sensors will automatically shut off the system when icy and when it rains — saving your money and water!”
Those points have genuine value, but I don’t think what stops someone who needs a sprinkler from getting a sprinkler system is the fear of wasting money and water when it’s icy or raining.
You need to identify:
1) What makes the targeted consumer want to buy a sprinkler system
and
2) What is stopping that person from buying one already.
This spot starts strong but then runs out of steam after “…you push a button a make it rain.”
The other day I heard something rare in a radio commercial:
A real person, really talking.
First, the commercial:
The Accomplishment
Sure, the woman (“Mimi”) was coached.
Sure, her audio was heavily edited.
But that spot achieves something few radio advertisements accomplish: Believability + Impact.
Sure, you can record a real person talking about her real experience with the product or service and the audience will recognize it’s “real.”
Your radio station already is airing commercials with “real people,” with an announcer constantly interrupting the story those people are trying to tell.*
(*Yes, we know the producer had to record 30 minutes with each of those people in an effort to find enough bits and pieces to use.)
Although listeners are willing to believe those people are real, they don’t care.
The dialogue isn’t conversational and it doesn’t tell a story.
That’s believability without impact.
How We Know That’s a Real Person Speaking Her Own Words
1) Lines a copywriter is extremely unlikely to have created:
“I’m a pain; I’m a little sister.”
“We always had to stop for cigarettes.” (Brother:) “Yeah, exactly, it’s true.”
2) Unlike voice actors who are conscious of the need to sound like a real person engaged in a real conversation, “Mimi” wasn’t trying.
She simply talked.
For example…
her perfect delivery of “Get up, first thing, smoke a cigarette. Before lunch, after lunch, another one on the way home, before dinner, after dinner…”
and
“I remember recently you asking me, like, ‘Did you want to smoke before we go in?’ and I was like, ‘No, I don’t need to.'”
I’m good at writing dialogue.
I couldn’t have written that line.
3) No attempt at “banter.”
The people converse effortlessly, with no conscious attempt to show the audience their familiar, comfortable relationship.
4) A convincing laugh that’s barely noticeable.
“Now that I’m talking about it” — the brother briefly laughs as she continues “— I’m kinda feeling like I’ve lost about 4 hours of every day.”
That laugh shows us it’s real.
It’s difficult to imagine
– a copywriter including “(brother chuckles)” at that spot
– the commercial’s director telling an actor, “Make that cough much smaller, almost invisible; it’s an involuntary unconscious reaction to what your sister is saying.”
– a voice actor playing that moment with such 100% realism.
5) No copywriter would’ve included the brother’s commenting, “I didn’t realize it was that much.”
If that line appeared in an earlier draft, a good copywriter would’ve deleted it because it doesn’t directly move the sales story.
After all, the test I teach advertising copywriters is, “If you delete that line, will it lessen the impact of the sales message? If not, get rid of that line.”
The only reason “I didn’t realize it was that much” is there is that’s what the brother spontaneously said.
Does it strengthen the impact of the sales message?
No. At least, not directly.
But it strengthens the believability of the sales story, which indirectly does strengthen the spot’s impact.
6) No announcer interrupting the story.
The Only Stumbles
The woman stumbles when she segues into the solution she discovered.
She’s at ease when talking about her smoking habit but unsure when introducing the product name.
A Metaphor to Illuminate the Above Sentence
She’s driving down a familiar highway, devoting little conscious thought to the mechanics of making her car do what she wants it to do.
Finally, however, it’s time for her find the exit ramp.
She tightens up.
Her eyes dot back and forth, checking for traffic in parallel lanes, checking her speedometer, checking the odometer.
Her ease has been replaced by a tense alertness.
We hear that tenseness when she refers to the product:
“So I started looking in’an Juul came up” — between “looking” and “Juul” is an awkward, “best we can do” edit.
Probably she actually said something like, “So I started looking into e-cigarettes and Juul came up.”
But Juul doesn’t want to be lumped within the “e-cigarette” category; hence, the edit.
Her directions probably were:
“Just tell us in your own words. How did smoking cigarettes affect your daily life, and how were you able to stop smoking them? When you get to ‘Juul,’ don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t become an announcer. Say the name of the product the way you might tell a friend, ‘I’ve heard that fish oil is supposed to be good for the heart and I figured what the heck…’”
Another “oops” clue can be heard here:
“I decided I needed to find (sloppy edit) an alternative.”
Producer’s Note:
“Sloppy Edit” doesn’t mean “bad edit.”
It means “the best that could be done with the audio the producer was given.”
Few listeners will notice that edit that is so glaring to us radio pros.
It doesn’t hurt the effectiveness of the spot. But you and I heard it, right?
Bonus Kudos
They didn’t speed up the required disclaimer.
That disclaimer is pretty damning, actually:
“Warning — this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.”
If they had tried to sneak it in with a speeded up, barely comprehensible delivery, it would have drawn the listener’s attention to the disclaimer:
“What are they trying to sneak past us? What don’t they want us to hear?”
I Am Not Endorsing the Product.
It appears that, compared to cigarettes, Juul is alternative nicotine delivery system.
It’s not a “break the nicotine habit” device.
Like cigarettes, it enables users to inhale carcinogenic fumes.
It’s similar to a product that allows heroin users to to get their fixes without any of those messy needles.
In fact, if Juul is looking for a slogan I’ve got one for them:
“All the harmful effects of cigarettes without the social inconvenience.”
During the past two years I’ve received 8 unsolicited bulk emails from this voice over person.
A couple of friends of mine report receiving the same.
It appears he diligently is sending them every three months.
It’s almost certain that he bought a list “contacts” in the voice over industry.
Possibly some self-proclaimed marketing expert told him that’s a good way to market his services.
(It isn’t.)
Yes, it establishes his position in the industry as “desperate for work” as well as “unprofessional.”
Yes, it’s spam.
But Is All Spam Illegal?
In the U.S., spam (Unsolicited Bulk Email) is not illegal.
But this guy’s spam is illegal.
The Federal Trade Commission’s CAN-SPAM Act requires the sender to “include your valid physical postal address” to “tell recipients where you’re located.”
This spam doesn’t include a physical postal address.
CAN-SPAM also requires senders to “tell recipients how to opt out of receiving future email from you.”
This spam doesn’t offer any sort of “opt out” mechanism.
That’s 2 violations of federal law in one ineffective, image-damaging email.
A couple of friends of mine report receiving the same unwanted emails…
…by forwarding them to me with comments such as “Good grief!” — along with the occasional expletive.
I’m guessing this guy just doesn’t know better.
I’m guessing someone convinced him that buying a highly inaccurate, aggregated list and using it to beg for work is a good idea.
It’s a story about a large market disc jockey whom I’ll call “Bob Roberts.”
Yeah, it was tough to decide among that and “Steve Michaels,” “Mike Stevens,” “Mike Roberts,” “Steve Roberts,” “Rob Daniels,” and “Dan Roberts.”
“Bob Roberts” is not the name of the jock who stars in this story.
There’s no point in trying to guess his true identity, because you won’t find any clues in the air name I’ve given him.
Although thanks to consolidation and syndication they’re now an endangered species, most full-time radio stations had an “overnight jock” who typically worked from midnight until 6am.
Those shifts could be a very long six hours: Few if any commercials to play. No contests. Few if any listener phone calls*.
(*I’m not including those two people who always called.)
Especially someone like “Bob,” who’d been working that station’s all-night shift for 5 years.
The morning show, afternoon drive, even the part-timers all comprised the station’s air staff, a team.
Comrades in arms, everyone doing their best to contribute to the station’s identifiable sound.
(Well, maybe except for a couple of the part-timers.)
Rarely the highest-paid people in the building, but a team dedicated to entertaining an audience and, when possible, avoiding members of the sales staff.
The large market station manager called a meeting of the entire air staff at 4pm on a Wednesday afternoon.
Pretty much the worst possible time for an overnight jock, but presumably “Bob” knew the job was dangerous when he took it.
“Bob,” the 5-year veteran of the overnight shift, showed up a few minutes before the meeting was scheduled to begin.
As he walked down the corridor, toward the conference room, the station manager approached him.
This is a true story.
