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Before you listen to this commercial, take a moment to list the three most important things in your life. The things about which you think, “If I could choose only three things to be good, what would they be?”

Okay, now the commercial….

Vons is owned by Safeway Inc., which has an annual revenue of $40 billion (give or take).

Surely they can afford to hire only the best people to create the advertising for its various brands. So I’m sure that’s what they did: hire the very best to create Vons’ radio advertising.

The opening line of your commercial is “the commercial for the commercial.” This is your one opportunity to command the attention of the targeted listener.

Oh, boy, I can’t wait to hear what the (presumably) high priced advertising wizards behind Vons’ commercials do to grab the targeted consumer’s attention from the very beginning…

“Spring is in the air.”

That is how they begin the commercial?

With a meaningless cliche that has nothing at all to do with the advertiser and which could have been (and at this very moment probably is being) written by a 13-year kid as part of a class “write a pretend radio commercial for (Subject)” assignment?

“C’mon, Dan. Probably they cleverly connect ‘Spring’ to ‘Vons’ so powerfully that it all flows together naturally and irresistibly.”

Uh, well…Here’s the connection:

“And the only thing better than warmer weather is knowing that you can always save money at Vons.”

Let’s recap what we’ve learned so far:

1. The second best thing in your life is warm weather.

2.  The best thing in your life is…

Your children’s health? Your own health? World peace?

Nah. The best thing in your life is knowing that you can always save money at Vons.

• They begin with a an irrelevant cliche.

• They quickly move to a lie: “And the only thing better than warmer weather is knowing that you can always save money at Vons.”

• They mention their “everyday low prices.”

• They mention their “Vons Club” prices.

• They list some of the foods they have on special this week. (And how many do you remember…?)

• They tout their flu shots.

And then — wait for it — before tagging the commercial with a bizarrely juxtaposed disclaimer, they end by…

Advertising a different supermarket chain.

Yes, Safeway owns both Vons and Pavilions. No, that doesn’t mean a commercial for one should be a commercial for the other.

Vons and Pavilions have different names because they are different brands.

Different brands make different promises to the consumer.

Different promises require different messages to communicate them.

By the way, in this part of the world Summer officially begins June 21. Gosh, I wonder how the Vons commercials will begin then?

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THE OLD FASHIONED RADIO STUDIO

radio cartoonIllustration © 2010 by Bobby Ocean

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(Video) DICK PURTAN WKQI RADIO DETROIT 1993

Dick Purtan Detroit radio video

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Sweden radio station

April, 1996 (continued): In case you’ve lost track, this was my seminar travel schedule:

April 11: Leave Los Angeles
April 12: Arrive Stockholm, Sweden
April 13: Stockholm (Air Talent Seminar)
April 14: Frankfurt, Germany (Station consulting re: radio promotion)
April 15: Helsinki, Finland (Air Talent Seminar)
April 16: Helsinki (Air Talent Seminar)
April 17: Vaxjo, Sweden (Air Talent Seminar)
April 18: Ostersund, Sweden (Air Talent Seminar)
April 19: Antwerp, Belgium (Commercial Copywriting Seminar, Air Talent Seminar)
April 20: Brussels (Air Talent Seminar)
April 21: Coventry, England (Air Talent Seminar)
April 22: Coventry (Morning Show Tune-Up)
April 23: Return to Los Angeles
April 24: Resume bragging about what a big world traveler I am

After concluding my second radio seminar day in Helsinki, I flew first to Stockholm and then to Växjö, Sweden.

I arrived late in the evening and went directly to my room at the Cardinal Hotel. The next morning I managed to walk around the town a little before beginning my Air Personality Plus+ seminar.

Växjö is a charming university town of 50,000 people. Lots of bicycles about, lots of residents saying hello as they passed each other in the streets. It felt like I was on the set of an old Mickey Rooney movie.

After my stroll, Hasse Altbark of Radio Kronoberg came by to walk with me to the seminar site: a beautiful movie theater close to the hotel.

If “Altbark” doesn’t strike you as a typical Swedish name, it might be because he created the name himself. He felt his own given name (Johansson, as I recall) was too common, so he had it changed.

I mention this not because it is so rare for someone to change his or her name but, rather, due to the way it’s done in Sweden.

If you want to change your name, first you have to find a name that the Swedish government deems suitable. The government maintains a list of available, unused names just for this purpose. You can try creating your own, but it can’t already be in use by another Swedish citizen and it must be approved by the government.

(Presumably Sweden has done what it must to prevent the horror of citizenry answering to names such as Dweezil and Moonglow.)

After the seminar, I returned to the hotel, packed my bags and then headed back downstairs for a leisurely dinner before catching an evening flight to the next city. When I walked through the lobby on my way to the hotel restaurant, however, the Front Desk manager worriedly approached me.

“Sir,” she said, “you have to check out of your room now.”

“No,” I replied, “I’m not checking out until 6:30. My plane does not leave until 7:45.”

“Yes, but we need the room.”

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “But when this reservation was made, it was with the understanding that I would not be checking out until after 6:00. Why do you need my room?”

“A convention is just now arriving, and they need every available hotel room.”

“What kind of convention?” I wondered, trying to envision Swedish Shriners or, perhaps, Nordic morticians.

“Nurses. Student nurses, from all over Sweden. Four hundred of them.”

Let me see if I have this straight:  Four hundred Swedish student nurses invading the town of Växjö, and not enough hotel rooms for them to sleep in.

I think I’ve seen that movie before.

I, of course, had miles to go before I slept and another seminar to give the following day in another city.

So despite the wild, imaginary temptations that might distract a more ordinary mortal, I didn’t give a second thought to those 400 young, passionate, Swedish student nurses.

And I haven’t thought of them since.

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RADIO CONTEST PRIZES, again

radio contests

Yesterday I wrote about the foolishness of radio stations that always require contest winners to “come pick up your prize.”

Once during one of my seminars, a station manager stood up to disagree with me. Requiring winners to pick up their prizes, he said, is a smart move:

“Most of them never do come in to collect their prizes, so we end up having MORE prizes for future contests!”

Clue For The Clueless: When you’re awarding prizes that the majority of your contest winners don’t think are worth collecting, you’ve got a Promotion problem…and a Station Brand problem.

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