DAN O’DAY TALKS ABOUT RADIO

A truism both of sales and of advertising:

“The more you tell, the more you sell.”

Do your commercials Tell and Sell? Or do they just make vague allusions to the product or service being advertised?

Don’t say, “our affordable dinners.”

Do say, “Our $9.95 New York cut steak dinner with butter-dripping mashed potatoes, fresh vegetables, freshly baked dinner rolls and a crisp salad to start.”

Don’t say, “our factory-trained mechanics.”

Do say, “Each of our expert mechanics has at least 5 full years’ experience repairing, rejuvenating and revitalizing every type of Toyota there is.”

Don’t say, “Stop in for a free consultation.”

Do say, “Stop in and take our free, no-obligation 10 Warning Signs Of Hearing Loss test.”

Don’t say, “We carry the entire line of Hewlett-Packard products.”

Do say, “If you need a Hewlett-Packard printer, cartridge, scanner, monitor, copy machine, fax machine….You name it; if HP makes it, we’ve got it in stock today!”

Don’t say, “at savings you won’t believe!”

Do say, “We charge at least $100 less than any other dealer in the state.” (Or, if listeners immediately will recognize it as a tremendous bargain,  simply name the price…)

The following is adapted, with permission of the author, from Arnold B. Kanter’s THE INS & OUTS OF LAW FIRM MISMANAGEMENT.

All the good bits are his.

The stupid stuff is mine.

MEMO

To: All Station Employees

From: Boone, Doggle & Associates/Radio Consulting

Introduction to Confidential Survey

The management of this radio station truly wants to learn from you, their valued employees.

Although their executive bonuses for the past several years certainly suggest they’re already pretty darned successful, certainly there are areas in which they can improve the operation of this station.

And although of course you don’t receive executive bonuses, you might very well have some valuable insights, keen observations, and paradigm-shifting suggestions.

We sincerely want to hear your uncensored thoughts, unvarnished opinions …even your nonlacquered criticisms.

We have made it clear to your company’s management that the only way to insure 100% candid responses to this survey is for each response to be kept 100% confidential — even from your employer.

After all, it’s hard to tell us what an idiot your boss is if there’s any chance that he or she will know what you said.

That’s why all completed surveys will be viewed only by Mr. Boone, Mr. Doggle, and/or one or more of our more trusted associates. Your employer will receive a Summary of Conclusions (aka Conclusional Summation) that presents only an anonymous aggregate of all completed surveys, without in any way revealing any respondent’s identity.

Only Boone, Doggle & Associates/Radio Consulting staff members will see the survey respondent names. And you can be certain that we won’t pay any attention to who said what or reveal anyone’s identity to your employer because:

A) We really don’t care what you think. We’re just collecting this information for your employer. That is not meant as an insult or a flippant remark. When we say “We really don’t care,” it’s simply our way of saying, “We really don’t care.” We’re professional consultants; we don’t have to care.

B) We give you our word that under no circumstances will we reveal your identity to your employer. To break our word would be to blemish the enviably high regard radio professionals worldwide have for consultants. We have a reputation to uphold, and we’ll hold up that reputation no matter how heavy it gets, day or night, in all kinds of weather.

Instructions

1. This questionnaire is completely confidential. We won’t tell anybody your answers, under any circumstances. We realize that some people filling out a questionnaire like this might be afraid that their answers could lead to their being disciplined, fired, or even worse.

Frankly, that’s not such an irrational fear. But Boone, Doggle & Associates/ Radio Consulting didn’t get where we are today by kowtowing to the bribes, threats and pleadings of our clients.

Don’t get us wrong. We have the utmost respect for your employer. Quite frankly, your employer is admired throughout the industry for its history of integrity, innovation, and willingness to employ outside consulting firms.

But your employer shares our complete, total, and absolute respect for your privacy.

We recognize that for you to answer these questions openly, honestly, and without reservation you must be 100% certain we won’t reveal your identity under any circumstance — whether it be bribery, intimidation, or even the old “let’s get the consultants drunk and see what they’ll tell us” routine.

So please, just relax. Your secrets are safe with us.

2. When filling out this questionnaire, use only a Number Two pencil. If you do not have a Number Two pencil, use two Number One pencils.

3. Read each question carefully.

4. Answer every question.

5. Select only one answer to each question.

6. If you don’t know the answer, guess. There are no points deducted for incorrect answers, so it’s to your advantage to guess.

7. Remember, this questionnaire is completely confidential.

8. When answering the questions, make heavy marks in the appropriate spaces. Circle your answers. Or put a check mark by each of your answers. Or draw a heavy “X” through each selected answer. Or enclose your answers in triangles, quadrangles or pentagons. Absolutely no “smiley faces” will be permitted.

9. Be as frank and honest as you can in answering these questions.

10. Remember, this questionnaire is confidential.

Personal Information

(Note: All information you provide us will be kept confidential. The information requested in this section is necessary only for statistical purposes, to facilitate cross-analysis of variants in a manner calculated to maximize both the reliability and validity of the survey results. Remember, everything you put on this form will remain confidential.)

1.   Name

2.   Sex

A.   Male

B.   Female

C.   Other

3.   Height (in meters)

4.   Weight (in stones)

5.   Age (in weeks)

6.   Favorite book (hardcover only)

7.   Sexual Preference

A.   Guys

B.   Gals

C.   Sheep

D.   Beggars can’t be choosers.

8. The one thing you’d never want anyone ever to find out about you (Please be as specific as possible, using the other side of this paper if necessary):

Non-Personal Information

(Note: Some of these questions may appear not to relate to the subject being studied or to the questions that precede or follow them. That is because this survey has been designed in such a sophisticated manner that a layperson, such as yourself, cannot possibly understand what’s going on. So please stop trying to figure it out and just answer the damn questions.)

1.    My understanding of the mission of this radio station is:

A.    To serve the public interest

B.   To entertain or enlighten our listeners

C.   To propagate freedom of speech

D.   To make as much money as we can before we drive away every last listener

2.  Which of the following would most help increase this station’s profitability?

A.   Increase ratings, then increase rates.

B.   Say we increased ratings, then increase rates.

C.   Encourage lower-level staff members not to steal so much of our office supplies.

D.   Raise the price of admission to our employee restroom.

3.    This station’s reputation in the broadcast industry is

A.   Impeccable

B.   Somewhat peccable

C.   Very nearly completely pecked

4.   In my opinion, our Station Manager

A.   Is a god

B.   While perhaps not technically a god, is remarkably godlike

C.   Is a broadcaster’s broadcaster

D.   Is an inspiration to us all, regardless of race, creed, and some religions

5.   Disc Jockey “A” and Disc Jockey “B” leave the radio station for their respective vacations at exactly the same time. Disc Jockey “A” takes a train in a westerly direction, averaging 47 miles per hour. Disc Jockey “B” takes a bus, heading northeast at 60 miles per hour. Assuming normal traffic conditions and obeying all traffic laws, which disc jockey will be closest to the state line when he receives a call on his cell phone notifying him that he’s been fired?

6.   Which best characterizes the feedback you receive from management?

A.   If I don’t hear anything, I’m doing fine.

B.   If I don’t hear anything, I’m in trouble.

C.   If I don’t hear anything, either I’m fine or I’m in trouble.

7.    You’re walking down the hallway when the Station Manager stops, smiles, and compliments you on your fine work. This is a sure sign that

A.   Your work is appreciated.

B.   You’re in line for a promotion.

C.   You should start sending out your resumes now, because the Station Manager would compliment you only if driven by guilt over the knowledge that you’re about to be fired.

8.    I would describe the atmosphere within this radio station as

A.   Ideal

B.   Perfect

C.   Highly motivational

D.   Humid, with a chance of showers in the early evening

9.   I believe the best way this station can save money is to

A)   Assign a full-time unpaid intern the task of continually requesting free demos from production music and jingle companies

B)   Buy a week-old news service at “factory second” prices

C)   Remind employees that there are two sides to a sheet of toilet paper

10.    The ideal radio station employee is someone who is

A)   Willing to work long hours

B)   Willing to work for little pay

C)   Willing to work for few if any benefits

D)   Willing to work with no job security

F)   Willing to work long hours, for little pay, for few if any benefits, and with no job security

Finished?

When you have completed this questionnaire, please give it to your Station Manager, who would like to look it over before sending it on to us.

Yesterday’s blog posting stimulated such an impassioned reader response that I feel obliged to issue this Declaration of Principle.

A radio station that knowingly, illegally uses copyrighted music in a commercial because “all the other stations do it” is akin to the liquor store that sells booze to minors “because all the liquor stores do it.”

A radio station that requires its employees to violate copyright laws (let’s be clear: TO BREAK THE LAW) or lose their jobs deserves the same respect people give to used car dealers who illegally “roll back the odometers” to cheat customers (and, again, to violate the law).

Those radio stations aren’t simply ignoring some nonsensical bureaucratic government dictate. They are stealing someone else’s property.

To those radio station owners and managers: You are law breakers. Your “My station will do anything if you give us money, even if it’s illegal” attitude disgraces the radio industry and insults the radio station owners and managers who abide by the law and respect other people’s property.

It should also shame you and your families. But some people will do anything for money, and some people will break the law for profit if they think they might be able to get away with it.

This commercial presently is airing on radio stations in Chicago and Milwaukee.

Sure, we could criticize that commercial for relying on that hoary, inane device favored for decades by radio production beginners: the “auditions” for the commercial.

The criticism wouldn’t be due to the triteness of the concept. It would be because of the obvious fact that this commercial does not present the story either of the advertiser or, better, of someone enjoying the benefits of the advertiser’s product or service.

No, this radio commercial presents the story of people pitching jingles for a radio commercial.

Here’s A Clue: What listeners picture during a radio commercial is what they remember. What listeners remember most from this commercial is the mental image of someone playing a guitar and singing an idiotic “jingle.”

We could criticize the college radio-level voice acting performance. I mean, the guy can’t even make “What do we have today?” sound like a question. It’s two amateur voices, reading bad copy.

We could criticize the fact that the four “different” jingle auditions utilize the same singer (and, apparently, the same guitar). One more blow to the listener’s ability to suspend disbelief.

But those criticisms would pale in the light of one simple fact:

That radio commercial is illegal.

It infringes on four separate copyrights, leaving the radio stations and the advertiser vulnerable to lawsuits from any or all four copyright holders.

Of course, it’s possible that the copyright holders of the songs “Penny Lane,” “Puff The Magic Dragon,” “Born In The USA” and “Take Me Home, Country Roads” don’t mind that Penny Mustard is using their music without permission. Perhaps when Bruce Springsteen hears this he’ll say, “Heck, I already have plenty of money. I’ll just let these guys rip me off.”

Or perhaps not.

I hear commercials as bad and as illegal as this one with dismaying frequency.

While major market bad commercials are almost as common as small market bad commercials, what makes this unusual are the blatant copyright infringements in commercials airing in the 3rd largest radio market in America.

I don’t know what rationales the managers in Chicago and in Milwaukee are using as excuses for taking the money and airing this spot. But here are the most common defenses radio stations give when they’re caught violating someone’s copyright.

1. “We already pay BMI and ASCAP fees. That makes this legal.” Reality: No, it doesn’t.

2.  “Because we rewrote the lyrics, that makes it a ‘parody,’ and that makes it legal.” Reality: No, it doesn’t. Changing the (or writing new) lyrics to a song does not in itself constitute the creation of a parody — neither as it’s defined creatively nor as it’s defined within the realm of copyright law.

3. “The ad agency assured us it’s legal. So if anyone sues for damages, it’ll be the agency’s problem.” Reality: Copyright law adheres to the legal doctrine of “strict liability.” I’m not a lawyer (and obviously I’m not giving legal advice), but here’s my layman’s explanation of “strict liability”:

From the moment the infringing work is created, every entity that becomes involved with it becomes liable.

For example: Let’s say I’m stupid enough to change the lyrics of “Penny Lane” to “Penny Mustard” and have that sung in a radio commercial. When that recording is made (with an intent for subsequent distribution), a copyright infringement has been committed.

I forward it to the client for approval. The client approves, thereby becoming equally liable.

The spot then is sent to Radio Station X, Radio Station Y, and Radio Station Z, all of which air the radio commercial. Radio Station X, Radio Station Y, and Radio Station now are liable.

And so are the companies that own them.

“Golly, I didn’t know it was illegal to use that John Denver song in a commercial” is not considered a strong legal defense.

Neither is, “But the ad agency told us The Beatles wouldn’t mind.”

And, surprisingly, neither is this much of defense: “But you can’t blame us! We don’t pay any attention to what we put on our airwaves.”

4. “Look, if someone offers us money, we’re not going to turn it down.” Not even it’s illegal? Y’know, there’s a word for someone who will do anything for money….

5. “The advertiser threatened to pull the buy if we didn’t air the commercial.” (See #4, above.)

6.  “But all the other stations in town are playing it!” And if all the other stations in town jumped off a bridge…?

I understand there are people writing radio commercials who don’t know what they’re doing. No doubt they’re doing their best — which is why when something like this comes from a college radio station or a small market, I don’t bother to take notice of it here.

I understand most business owners don’t know how to differentiate good advertising from bad advertising. When they were pitched this idea, Yellow Mustard probably thought it was simply brilliant.

What I don’t understand is why no one in management — sales manager, general manager, market manager — both knows and cares enough to step in and say, “Wait! We don’t break the law around here — no matter how much someone offers to pay us!”