DAN O’DAY TALKS ABOUT RADIO

I really don’t mean to pick on Aquarium of the Pacific. I featured one of their radio commercials here earlier this year.

But their current spot does so many things wrong that I just have to comment.

The opening line is the commercial for the commercial.

This radio advertisement’s opening line is:

“To learn how climate change puts our polar regions at risk, you don’t have to travel far.”

That’s wonderful news…to anyone who is thinking, “I wonder how climate change puts our polar regions at risk.”

No one in the audience, however, is wondering that.

No one is thinking, “Gosh, I sure would like to learn how climate change puts our polar regions at risk, but I’d probably have to travel far to satisfy that desire.”

So they begin with an opening line that disqualifies the entire radio audience. “Go away,” it screams, “this message isn’t for you.”

“You discover our latest exhibit: Arctic and Antarctic — Our Polar Regions in Peril.”

They’re talking about the polar regions, but the announcer is speaking over a vaguely island-ish music bed.

Yes, the advertiser is Aquarium of the Pacific, which at times might suggest an “island” theme. But this commercial is supposed to be about…well, the arctic regions.

“In this new exhibit, visitors will get up close and personal…”

C’mon. Does this copywriter REALLY need to be told to speak directly and personally to the listener? It doesn’t take a creative or sales genius to know that line should’ve been, “…you’ll get up close and personal…”

You can touch sea jellies.

Meet a real live arctic fox.

See the new Ocean Science Center.

The Aquarium of the Pacific has more than 11,000 living sea creatures.

Family entertainment.

Shark lagoon.

Colorful sea otters.

Hand-feed the colorful no-matter-how-times-I-listen-I-still-can’t-understand-this-word.

This place attracts thousands of visitors.

And what, again, is this commercial about? Oh, yeah: “How climate change puts our polar regions at risk.”

One of their two (which is one too many) Calls To Action is to call a vanity phone number…which I called during the time frame this commercial aired on the radio, and which connected me to a recording that says there’s no such mailbox on this system.

But by golly, this radio commercial does end with the client’s insipid jingle, so I’m sure the client is happy.

The other night I attended a Television Academy tribute to Carl Reiner.

Among his many credits across multiple media, Reiner created The Dick Van Dyke Show (and frequently appeared as “Alan Brady’).

Here’s the one I’ll bet you didn’t know.

According to Reiner, the last name of the lead character, “Rob Petrie,” was supposed to be pronounced “Pee-tree.” Reiner took the name from the noted film director, Dan Petrie.

But no one told Dick Van Dyke, who arrived for the first day of rehearsals having learned his script and thinking of himself as “Peh-Tree.”

Reiner decided not to correct him, because he didn’t want Van Dyke to have that split second during which he mentally would be correcting the pronunciation of his character’s name.

The “Walnuts” Episode, Interesting Thing #1

Although it’s commonly believed “It May Look Like A Walnut” was a satire of horror films, at the time Carl Reiner was enamored of The Twilight Zone, and this episode came from his desire to do a Zone-like story.

The “Walnuts” Episode, Interesting Thing #2

At one point in the story, Rob asks a visitor if he’s Danny Thomas (who co-owned the actual show).

Danny Thomas, playing the role of the mysterious visitor, replied disdainfully, “WHAT is a Danny Thomas?”

That’s actually a callback to Rose Marie (“Sally”)’s response when her agent called and said, “They want you to go talk to them about a role on ‘The Dick Van Dkye Show.'”

She repeated the story the other night for the umpteenth time: “I said, ‘What’s a Dick Van Dkye?'”

The “Walnuts” Episode, Bonus Thing

One of the guests — I think it was Bill Persky — reported that a CBS executive objected to one line in the script. I don’t know which line it was, but the executive’s complaint was, “I don’t believe an alien being would say that.”

Enjoy.

Focus On The Listener.

The stereotype of the radio personality as egotistical and self-involved is not entirely fictional.

Most jocks ask themselves, “What can I do that will get attention? That will make me look good?”

They should be asking, “What can I do that will entertain, interest or touch my audience in a meaningful way?”

A true entertainer will follow his own interests…but in a way that includes his listeners.

One vital way to keep your focus on “delivering the goods” for your listeners is to prepare for your show.

For some, preparing means checking the latest headlines just before going on the air.

A more effective approach is to find out what’s happening in the world and to discover how you react to the various events of the day.

That, of course, requires more effort than simply finding out how shows in other markets reacted to the same events.

Remember: Most jocks don’t prepare for their shows.

That’s why they coined the word “average.”

I Am Not A Human.

When actors are stuck — when they can’t “figure out” or “discover” how to play a certain character at a certain moment — they are told, “Find the love in the scene.” Find what that character dearly loves and is trying to achieve, and let that guide you.

When a writer of commercials doesn’t know where to start, I say unto that writer:

“Find the story.”

Raise your hand if you like to hear commercials.

No, I don’t mean you advertising people. I mean the rest of the world, who view commercials as nuisances.

Not many hands up now.

Okay, now everybody:

Raise your hand if you enjoy hearing a good story. (By “good” I mean one that interests you. That diverts, excites, provokes, stimulates or inspires you.)

Oooh, lots of hands in the air now!

Guess what? Everybody likes a good story.

(They’ll disagree over what is good and what is “boring,” not realizing that by “boring” they really mean “not relevant to my experience.”)

You know how “experts” love to point out “the difference between humans and other animals”?

Well, they’re all wrong.

The difference between humans and other animals is:

Only humans tell stories.

Whether a history book or an adventure film or carefully a rehearsed line in a singles bar, it’s a story.

Dogs don’t tell stories. Has your dog ever shared one with you?

On the other hand, you have either heard or told at least one story about a dog.

(Don’t tell me your story about your dog, by the way. It’s not relevant to my life. But I can tell you a couple of great stories about my dog, if you like.)

Even a story about a dog really is a human story. At least, if it’s a dog story a human will pay attention to.

Example: When I was a teenager, my dog taught himself to stand on his hind legs and extend his right front paw to open the sliding glass door to the patio.

To me, that’s fascinating, because it was my dog and my house. But even to you, who knew neither, this story might at least elicit a brief, “Huh!”

Why? Because that dog was acting like…a human! (In writing terms, that’s called Personification — attributing human qualities to non-humans.)

But here’s another kind of dog story:

Rover woke up. Scratched a bit. Went back to sleep. Woke up again. Yawned. Rolled over. Scratched some more.

Not so interesting to humans.

Why not? We do all those things, right?

But….It’s 100% mechanical behavior, with no inner thought or emotion or desire expressed, exposed or implied.

Which means it’s not a human story.