Last week I critiqued a radio commercial by Kathy Lepak, who had ordered my How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising course and subsequently uploaded a couple of commercials for my review.
Here is Kathy’s second spot, followed by my comments (which, once again, she has given me permission to share with you.)
The combination of the music and the number of words you need to deliver results in my not being able to hear the actual message.
If this really were a children’s story, you wouldn’t be speaking so fast.
Suggestion: See if you can cut literally 50% of the words from your script.
You might not be able to remove that many, but I suspect you’ll discover quite a few you can do without.
Of course, trying to serve three advertisers in a single 30-second commercial is, to say the least, a bit of a challenge.
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1. Rhytm: Do not have the bed under whole spot.
2. Manuscript. change story to dialogue
– jingle (music short)
– papa: xxxx
– mama: xxxx
– baby: xxxx
-> music with VO wrapping it up.
The “wordiness” is a common problem. Many clients (no doubt encouraged by clueless salespeople) seem to think they’re getting more for their money if they can cram in as much information as possible. It’s hard to explain that there is a point of diminishing return.
Let me qualify that last point: the hard part is getting the salesperson to get off his/her keester and *work* with the client…
My sympathies, Kathy. I had to do the same thing for three different businesses once, and I had :60 seconds. Oh, and I’m dumbfounded that a florist, a jeweler and a chocolatier couldn’t come up with money for their own separate commercials on Valentines Day!
Nobody talks like that. You shouldn’t be forced to write like that. Who tries to cover three, separate subjects in a single sentence. Individual thoughts (and clients!) deserve individual attention IMHO.