The latest issue of my Radio Advertising Letter features my critiques of three commercials submitted by a subscriber. Each commercial featured either the client’s voice or a real testimonial voice.
In addition to critiquing each spot, I reproduced them to illustrate how they could have been improved with better use of music and/or voice.
This posting is for subscribers to add their own comments….
Comments on this entry are closed.
Wow. No wonder this one made you “want to scream.” Ann DeWig’s VO is a vast improvement, and that music tweak is a subtle yet significant improvement as well. I know you weren’t doing an exercise in copywriting here. Nonetheless, the writer in me can’t help wanting to tweak the beginning of that tag. It says, “It’s experience that will guide, it’s commitment that will protect.” I would have tried to sell the client on “Experience guides. Commitment protects.” Pithier. Cleaner. More definite. You could wear it on a T-shirt. (Well, maybe not to a funeral.)
On the hospice spot with the nurse, I would consider starting with the nurse. Her voice really connects. Then do the intro of her and let her finish.
Obviously, the second announcer delivery is much better. Something I’m always trying to get my students to do, match the mood/delivery to the spot.
Thanks for that comment, Blaine. It saved me the trouble of having to type it out!
Just listened to the New Vision laser clinic commercial, and definitely the revised is better than the original. Beautiful and far more emotional when the music does come in. I would have like to have heard the call to action as the last element of the commercial, so that the announcer does everything except the final sentence, then the jingle singing comes in and gives the business name, and finally the listener is left with the call-to-action. Better yet, incorporate the dot com address into the jingle, but that comes at a cost. 🙂
The music for the funeral service was still too perky based on the directions Dan sent for the revised announcer parts. The script needs a bit of tweaking because the original ‘experience that will guide, commitment that will protect’ sounds like an alarm company. The dearly departed wishes are just as important along with the comfort that Olsen provides to its many clients in time of need.
On the Heartland Hospice, I wouldn’t use the announcer at all. I’d have the nurses introduce themselves, and cut the ads into 30’s so you could have a series. When the announcer says “our” at the end, everyone knows HE’s not part of Heartland, and it diminishes the desired emotional effect.
Thank you, Dan, for your critique, and thank you everyone for your comments.
I wanted to give a little background info to help provide some clarification.
I agree with you, Dan, especially about the female announcer on Olson Funeral. I used an outside VO service available on a limited basis (i.e. we can submit a certain number of VO requests per month). Olson Funeral works through an ad agency, who provided the announcer copy. Even though I didn’t care for the announcer’s read, the agency and client were pleased and gave their official spot approval. Hence, I decided against requesting a new VO with a different announcer.
@Tim: I understand your point about having the nurses introduce themselves (you’ll notice I had Marie introduce herself on the New Vision commercial). I didn’t actually deal directly with the nurses, but was provided with the Q&A audio to work with. The nurses did introduce themselves and give their job title, but that was the only part of their audio that I felt sounded scripted and “readee” — much different from the sincerity and honesty of their interview answers. I didn’t want anything to take away from their sincerity, so I decided to go with the announcer to intro them. And I have to disagree with your final statement — how does “everyone” know HE’s not part of Heartland? Since we’re immersed in our radio world for 8, 10, 12 hours a day, it can be easy to forget just how little the general public understands about this business, especially the ins and outs of commercial production. For all the listener knows, “he” could be the hospice administrator, who just happens to have a nice voice.
@Dan: I noticed on your New Vision revision, you opted to leave out the announcer line that said “zero percent financing for 24 months.” I assume that’s because you didn’t feel that it strengthened the message? Obviously, Laser Vision Correction is a significant investment. Even if a listener would like to get the procedure, and is convinced that New Vision is the place to go, they still may balk at the price tag, or at least think, “I can put it off another year or two, until I get some money saved up.” Learning that they could make payments over the course of 24 months with no interest could be the extra benefit that moves that listener to action. So personally, I am for leaving that line in. But I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that point. 🙂
Thanks again!
@Neal: I cut that line only to have the copy fit the shortened version of the jingle I’d created; it didn’t represent an editorial judgment.
@Dan: Ah, gotcha.