O’DAY’S TRAVEL WOES #80: THE GERMAN TRANSLATOR STAGES A COUP DURING MY SEMINAR

June, 1996: On the last day of May, I flew to Cologne, Germany, where I was a guest speaker at the Cologne RadioForum. Guido Hecker and Thomas Pintzke provided me a fancy suite in the Hyatt Hotel, overlooking the Rhine River, directly across from Cologne’s majestic Cathedral. The view from my portal-shaped window was quite impressive.

I unpacked and went for a stroll outside. Sitting on a stone bench in a public square, I found myself observing an older man who was preparing his marionettes for a performance — sitting in his own chair, talking them for test walks on the plaza. I couldn’t help but notice the great affection and tenderness with which he watched over those marionettes…as though he were watching a toddler taking his first steps.

The Cathedral was so magnificent that I decided to capture it on film. That would be a challenge, considering that I didn’t have a camera with me. I popped into a tourist-y shop and purchased a disposable camera, congratulating myself on how handily I had solved that problem.

Then I tried to take the photograph.

Although inexpensive, the camera (it turned out) took quite good photos. But the lens had only one setting, and the Cathedral was so massive that I could not get far enough away from it to encompass it all in a single snapshot.

So all I can tell you is: Go to Cologne and visit the Cathedral. You’ll be impressed.

When I returned to my room a couple of hours later, I realized the loud noises I had been hearing were emanating from my stomach. I opened the Room Service menu and while trying to decide what to order, I noticed that a previous hotel guest had marked a dinner selection.

“He or she must have known what he or she was doing,” I reasoned. So I ordered what he or she had marked.

The dinner turned out to be a good choice, and I found myself wishing my unknown precursor had made other choice on my behalf: Maybe I would find notes on which TV channels to watch, where to buy a better camera, which direction to walk when I set out for some exercise.

Unfortunately, I found no such guidance for the television set. I kept looking for an English-language program that could divert me while I flossed my teeth. (Flossing is a time-consuming, laborious process for me.)

After passing on Columbo — dubbed in German by an actor whose resonant baritone sounds nothing like Peter Falk — I finally settled on a German-dubbed version of the film, BORN LOSERS. That was the movie that unleashed the character of Billy Jack onto an unsuspecting world. Not being able to understand the dialogue improved the film measurably.

The RadioForum had scheduled a day-long session (Air Personality Plus+) for me. Toward the end of the day, I led the group in an interactive exercise designed to help them create completely original programming & promotion ideas. The latter half of the exercise consists of attendees spontaneously calling out suggestions and creative refinements.

Like a few other seminars I have presented, this one was conducted with “simultaneous translation.”

My words were translated into German by two translators sitting in a soundproof booth at the back of the room. Attendees could listen to me in English….or, with headphones, to the German translation.

Suddenly, one of the translators stepped out of the booth and gestured wildly to me.

“Oh, no,” I thought. “There’s a technical problem. People can’t understand what I’m saying.”

“Excuse me,” I said to the attendees. “There seems to be a problem in the translation booth.”

I turned to the translator and awaited the bad news. She responded by gesturing that I should hand my microphone to her. Great; there must be a problem with the mic.

She took the microphone from me and spoke directly into it:

“Here’s a good idea. Why don’t you have your morning show do a special contest where….”

The translator, who did not work in radio, had interrupted the session to add her own ideas.