Wow, lots of entries coming in for my exciting “Can You Write Better Than This Junk” Contest. So many that I’ll share two per day with you.
The first is from Steve Anderson:
Our second entry today is from Brian Haymond, who says, “I wrote and produced the spot. My daughter Samantha (8) is the lead character with Olivia (11) and my wife adding their voices.” (Oddly, Brian doesn’t mention how old his wife is.) Brian Haymond:
Your comments, judges? (That means you. Yeah, you. The person reading these words right now.)
Comments on this entry are closed.
God, I hate hearing or seeing a spot with a “precocious” kid; you know damn well the brat is the client’s child/grandchild, and the kid is ALWAYS insufferable…
Sorry Steve…there was about as much creativity put into that as wet wash cloth..just my two cents
And aren’t they soooooo much fun to coach in the production room!
While I like both commercials, I think the one with the kids is the more creative of the two. Not saying I would go on a shopping spree at Target over it, but it did catch my ear.
Dan, for the record, my wife is perpetually 29…I’m just say’in
Okay, so I get to be brutal, right?
Sorry.
Steve: your spot is no better than the original. Dull and lifeless. As a consumer I find nothing of interest that would make me want to go to Target, which was the same problem for the original spot.
As far as Brian’s spot goes, it’s completely unbelievable. There are no children on this earth that talk like that or would even have a conversation like that. I have two of them about the same age, so I know. It’s phony and nothing causes tune-out faster than phoniness. Never confuse trying to be “cleverly cute” with believability.
As Dan himself says, if you’re going to use a kid in a commercial at least have the kid sound like a real kid and not like a kid reciting adult lines.
some good comments….
Jim, does average joe listener really care whose kid it is? No. you’re thinking like a producer or a “radio guy” far too much, but hey, you’re just venting right?
Sean, depends on the kids and how well the script is written for the kid.
Bryan, you don’t need a lot of creativity to get things across. less is good in a lot of cases.
there’s really very little creativity in commerical radio, just rehashed ideas, which can be good for your market depending on how well they’re done.
Dan P makes a good point that I agree with, the kid voice catches my ear in a sea of crap called commericals that people get flogged by everyday. Does it really matter how realistic it is? because it isn’t necessarily realistic can get people talking as much as being realistic for this time of client. don’t you want people to talk?
The first spot gave me the feeling that it was going for a monotone to border on being funny. It doesn’t take it far enough in the delivery. It’s being too serious. The read as a parody/over the top would work, because it again, goes back to catch your ear. That’s when you go for a voice actor that can pull it off and is the strength of the read. Not everyone can. It comes close for me though.
Steve – This is a tough crowd, but the industry is big. Creative writing classes pay off. I’ve heard so much worse people were paid for I won’t thumbs down anyone. Got the job done. It did that. Read on and understand…
Brian – Well written. Fresh look at the same material. Out of the box we were all handed. Instead of the persuader with you up against the wall, your spot let you listen in to a good idea in “play“ which might be fun to do as well. Fun is infectious.
On the negative side, the child theater directing could have made it top shelf, but left it at a B. A good one, but a B. Background voices crosstalk on and off with primary speaker.
Criticism about adult lines is from people who need to understand theater better (sorry). It is all possible! The leap of the imagination ought have no presumed limit! Out of the mouths of babes, and all that. Listen to the Big Bang Theory on tv. Kerplam! And the lines work.
Announcer – well done, engineer – it all works.
I wasn’t convinced by either of the spots.
I think we forgot that it wasn’t a “production” showcase it’s a copywriting one. Show me the scripts, not just a new top and tails or a varying delivery by other voices.