The commercial….
The transcript of that commercial:
Are you on the go, all the time…in more ways than one? If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time, you could have an overactive bladder, or OAB. You may qualify for a research study involving an investigational medication for the treatment of an overactive bladder. West Coast Clinical Research, in the San Fernando Valley, is conducting this study. The West Coast Clinical Research staff is a team of medical research professionals. Qualified participants must be women between the ages of 18 and 70 years old who are experiencing overactive bladder symptoms, including a frequent urge to urinate with little or no warning. If you qualify for the study, all study-related care will be provided at no cost, including exams, study medication, and financial compensation will also be provided for time and travel. Call West Coast Clinical Research at 818-776-0820 to see if you could be a candidate for the overactive bladder study. That’s 818-776-0820. Call 818-776-0820.
Obviously, this is a very personal problem. But it’s an impersonal commercial. It also could be improved with some ruthless editing.
If any given element doesn’t increase the impact of the sales message and isn’t required, get rid of it.
Example: It’s necessary to identify the advertiser. But telling us that “the West Coast Clinical Research staff is a team of medical research professionals” isn’t required, and it doesn’t increase the impact of the message. “West Coast Clinical Research” successfully conveys the necessary note of authority; pointing out that it’s staffed with a team of medical professionals belabors the obvious.
Does knowing that “overactive bladder” also is known as “OAB” do anything to increase the likelihood of a targeted listener picking up the phone? I can’t imagine how. They threw in some industry jargon simply because they have it. Quite possibly in the offices of West Coast Clinical Research they always refer to it as OAB. But the target audience doesn’t, and there’s nothing to be gained (in this commercial) by teaching people the acronym.
When reviewing your copy, one of the first questions to ask yourself is, “Can I delete the opening line without weakening the message?” Surprisingly often, the answer is yes. This test should have been applied to this copy. Compare:
(Original beginning:) Are you on the go, all the time…in more ways than one? If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time….
(Ruthlessly edited beginning) If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time….
The second version starts the commercial faster without sacrificing anything.
The spot is okay. The problem they’re targeting is specific enough that that commercial, as is, will attract some response. But it could be much stronger.
Here’s a rewrite that focuses on the person it’s trying to reach, rather than on “the study.”
Are you a woman who frequently feels an urgent need to urinate with very little warning? You might not realize it’s quite common among American adults. But you know what it’s like to be nervous whenever you leave your home…To make sure that wherever you go, the first thing you do is locate the nearest bathroom — just in case. You know how humiliating it feels when suddenly you’re forced to rush from a meeting or a social function. Well, you might qualify for a research study involving an investigational medication for the treatment of overactive bladder. It’s for women between the ages of 18 and 70 who are experiencing symptoms that include a frequent urge to urinate with little or no warning. If you qualify, all study-related care will be provided to you at no cost — including exams and study medication. You’ll also receive financial compensation. To see if you could be a candidate for the overactive bladder study, call West Coast Clinical Research now at 818-776-0820. That’s 818-776-0820. 818-776-0820.
• I omitted “in the San Fernando Valley” because anyone in the audience suffering from that problem probably will be willing to drive anywhere in the L.A. area for help.
• I don’t recall the last time I wrote a commercial that ended — as most do — with the phone number given three times. But, again, for the targeted listener to motivation to act is so strong that I don’t think we need a callback to the original theme.
I gave the new script to voice actor extraordinaire Ann DeWig, along with these instructions:
I’m attaching the mediocre spot that I’ve completely rewritten — so you can hear the fake, impersonal tone of the woman who’s reading copy rather than talking to someone who suffers from an embarrassing, intimate problem.
Notes:
• Because unlike the original copy we say “overactive bladder study” only once, you have to make sure to hit that. Not hard enough to stop the conversational flow, but enough so that the name of the study is brought to the forefront.
• “Financial compensation” — Although that will appeal to prospects, it’s not the primary motivation. So treat it as gravy (uh, bad image there), an added bonus rather than a reason for someone to call.
• This might be a challenge, given that the copy begins with, “Are you a woman who…” But try doing this as though you’re:
1. Talking to your old college roommate, whom you haven’t seen for a long time. Lunch in a restaurant, and she keeps getting up to use the bathroom.
2. Talking to your mother, who has this problem and has fooled herself into thinking that not even her family has noticed her behavior.
3. Walking in the park on a sunny day, feeling carefree. You spot a 30-ish woman seated on a bench, forlorn. Her self-esteem is shot. She feels like such a loser. (Obviously, because she has this problem.)
For all of them: Sympathetic, supportive, respectful, understanding — and you’re not at all embarrassed by the topic. It’s such a common ailment, and there might even be a new treatment for it.
Ann recorded the three different versions and included this cover note:
This WAS a challenge, but fun. I didn’t listen to the “example” until after…and she sounds like she’s selling furniture.
I just built the scenes and played them out as best I could.
I really like how you give direction. You build scenes instead of using words. VERY helpful. More work for you, but I think it nets better results. I like how the scenes themselves automatically set different tones (albeit subtly so).
Here are Ann’s three versions of the new commercial.
The College Roommate
The Mother
Woman on Park Bench
Hear any differences? Your comments…?
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Yes, the read could have been stronger.
But speaking as an AE who has worked with a number of clinics, I can tell you that it’s difficult to produce really compelling medical research commercial.That’s because there are four different entities that need to approve the copy:
1. The clinic itself — a group of people who communicate with each other in dry medical jargon.
2. The pharmaceutical company funding the study. Often they insist on providing their own copy. They wrote it, they think it’s good, and they’re paying the bill. Sometimes you can talk them into letting you change it, but often you can’t.
3. The Institutional Review Board, who must approve all medical study copy before it’s recorded — and then must hear the ad before it goes on the air to make sure it’s voiced EXACTLY as it’s written.
4. The radio station program director, who probably doesn’t want an overactive bladder study spot on his station, and must be talked into letting it run.
Any one of them can kill the whole campaign. Together, these forces conspire to suck the air out of the copy long before it’s ever turned into a commercial.
Sometimes, you give the best advice to the client that you can, and then graciously accept the money.
Of course, Ann could read the phonebook and I would find it captivating. I particularly liked the “Woman on Park Bench” delivery. She sounded concerned, empathetic, but did not talk down to the listener. It demonstrates how vital it is to be in the right mental state when delivering copy. It only takes a brief moment to develop a back-story in your mind before launching into the read. I usually ask the director about the copy, but often they will provide only scant direction or a single word in the margin. That’s when it’s necessary to employ this technique.
I too liked the park bench approach. It was more delicate than the others, a little less casual in their approach. It’s not a subject you’d bring up around the dinner table, so I think it needs to be a bit sensitive , and the park bench captured that. The others seemed a little less cautious and it made me feel like the reader isn’t empathetic to how difficult it CAN be to suffer from an ailment like this. I also like your re-write dan, as it shows an understanding for the audience as well. Well done.
I also think the best read came at the end, “Woman On The Park Bench.” The “Mother” started well, but I thought her “…just in case” felt tacked on, and not part of the flow (if you will) of what came before. But what a good exercise to get the most out of any read: imagining three distinct listener/targets.
I think Phil Bernstein’s comments are probably true, given the propencity of most ads like this to sound exactly like the version you critiqued. Reminds me of the maxim, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got[ten]” (sorry, I had to correct the grammar at the end.).
Originally my vote would have gone to “Mother,” because it was so intimate.
But RD’s and Anonymous’ comments — believe it or not — have caused me to change my vote to “Park Bench.”
Reason: That one is less intimate. I’ve never really thought much about that being a danger — especially in a sea of completely irrelevant, impersonal commercial blather.
But this copy probably benefits from a little bit of distance, slightly more tentative than the others.
This is why often I’ll give the performer 3 different scenarios in which the conversation is occurring. I might suspect in advance which one might prove to be most effective, but I never know for sure until I hear it.
Dan….First of all thanks for the example on direction, that was helpful. I would go with Women on the Park Bench…with that said, your rewrite will reach anyone who suffers from the problem.
I agree. The Park Bench delivery was my favorite, too.
Since it is a delicate subject, and since the listener isn’t likely to actually know the person voicing the ad, having the voice talent approach the listener as if she is a sympathetic stranger with good news to share is better than the more intimate approach she might have taken with her college roommate or mother.
Regardless, I think Ann did a nice job all three times, and no doubt would be an improvement even on the original script.
Thanks, Dan, for the way you presented the three approaches. It was very helpful.