Let’s Begin With The Good.
The opening line clearly identifies and captures the attention of the targeted listener.
These lines are strong:
“The IRS is looking for you.”
“The most brutal collection agency in the world.”
The rest, alas, is a bit of a mess.
This commercial sounds as though the copywriter made a list of all the points that might be included in the spot — and reeled them off, one by one. The result is disjointed. The commercial has no flow; it doesn’t pull you along. The guy just keeps talking until his 60 seconds are up.
“The IRS will stop at nothing. Don’t let this happen to you.”
Huh? Two disjointed thoughts. Seeds of copywriting approaches, yes. Fully grown copy, no.
The problem is intensified by the announcer’s delivery. You’re saying someone is out to get me? Someone might put me in jail? That’s serious, highly personal stuff. But this guy sounds like a voiceover for a 1960s laundry detergent commercial.
“…just hired a massive amount of new government agents”
— I don’t believe that. It might be true, but this spot makes it sound like a bluff because it avoids any specifics. If it is true, then the number of new agents is a matter of public record. Find that number and put it in the commercial. Remember, Specificity Helps Create Believability.
Tax Relief ASAP is “the most effective tax firm”? What does that mean? Who says they’re the most effective? (Actually, you and I know the answer: They say they are.) If you’re going to make a “best” claim, you need to specify what you’re best at, and you’d better have something to back it up. Otherwise, it’s just an empty boast that doesn’t help build your credibility.
“Over 31 years of proven experience”
— I think I smell a client’s copywriting at work. Is that supposed to be a Unique Selling Proposition? If I’ve got tax troubles and I find a firm that has over 32 years of experience, should I choose them instead?
When they list what the IRS can do to you, they should stop after the third threat. Informally known as “The Rule of Threes,” you need to stop before the listener finds it tedious.
Let’s take some of the raw material that somehow was read directly into a microphone and begin to craft a more cohesive, personal and powerful message:
If you owe the federal government at least $10,000 or have unfiled back taxes, 18,000 IRS agents are looking for you. They can seize your property, force you into foreclosure, even put you in jail. But there IS some good news: If you owe the IRS $10,000 or more, you may qualify for the 2008 settlement program. That means you might be able to make things right for just pennies on the dollar — legally. No more sleepless nights. No more worrying when the phone rings. No more fear of losing everything, all because you got behind on your taxes….
