Unlike many of the commercials I critique in this space, this one is not a piece of crap. But it’s nowhere as good as it should be.
Here is the first of two compliments I will give to this commercial: There are few enough words to allow for a conversational delivery. This is a serious message, and cramming in too much information, hype or “entertainment” would contradict the sober, mature message they are attempting to deliver.
• You have only 60 seconds to deliver your message. Don’t waste time by telling the listener that what you’re about to say is a fact and then telling them a fact.
Compare these two opening lines:
(Original) It’s a fact: If your investment portfolio is worth $500,000 or more, you are a high net worth investor…
(Revised) If your investment portfolio is worth $500,000 or more, you are a high net worth investor…
Is the message in any way strengthened by beginning with, “It’s a fact”? No? Is it weakened by omitting those 3 words? No? Then delete those 3 words.
The Opening Line Is The Commercial For The Commercial.
This spot attempts to attract the attention of “high net worth investors.” Which opening line is more likely to attract such listeners?
“It’s a fact…”
or
“If your investment portfolio is worth $500,000 or more…”
In a radio commercial, there is no time to waste. Hit the ground running, by grabbing the attention of your target audience.
• What is the value of stating that “If your investment portfolio is worth $500,000 or more, you are a high net worth investor”?
“High net worth investor” might well be part of the investment world’s lexicon, but what’s important to the targeted listeners is that they have investments worth at least $500,000.
Because the term isn’t used again in the commercial, clearly it’s not there for legal reasons; this offer is not being made only to “high net worth investors.”
Delete “high net worth investor.”
• “And if you want to better protect your sizable investments, you have to avoid making disastrous mistakes that can seriously reduce the value of your portfolio.”
— Oh! So making disastrous mistakes that can seriously reduce the value of my portfolio might harm my investments? What a revelation. Note to self: Making disastrous mistakes = NOT good.
• “That’s why we believe” — More wasted time, wasted words, unnecessary demands on the listener’s attention.
• As so often is the case in direct response commercials, the telephone number is given before anyone in the audience could possibly want it.
HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN: First make people want what you have, THEN tell them how to get it.
• They also introduce the advertiser’s name before it is relevant to the audience. Why should they care about Fisher Investments? Because that’s who will give them this valuable, free report. But the first time Fisher Investments is mentioned, the “valuable report” hasn’t yet been introduced to the listener.
• They include one very good word: “loaded” — “This free report is loaded with easy-to-understand tips and techniques….” Suddenly an informal, action-oriented word, followed by an easy to digest description.
But then they return to redundancy: “techniques that you can use to keep your portfolio safe — and help prevent losing years of investment gains.”
Um, don’t “keep your portfolio safe” and “prevent losing years of investment gains” essentially mean the same thing? (“Keep your portfolio safe” is broader, but in this commercial they mean the same thing.)
• A tiny thing, but one that signals to the listener, “Bad Communicator At Work”: “To get your free report titled The Eight Biggest Mistakes Investors And How To Avoid Them“ — using “titled” in that context is like saying “located at.”
Would it be any weaker to say, “To get your free report, The Eight Biggest Mistakes Investors And How To Avoid Them”?
No? Sorry, “titled,” you’re gone. If it’s not actively helping the sales message, it doesn’t belong in the commercial.
• Finally, the message isn’t specific enough. It begins by identifying a well defined group: investors whose portfolios are worth $500,000 or more. But for whom was their free report created? According to the title, it’s for “investors.” Not “high net worth investors” (which would have justified the use of that phrase earlier in the spot).
It’s like saying, “Hey, vegetarians! You should get our terrific new cookbook, 1,001 Tips For Better Barbecuing.” If you’ve gone to the trouble of attracting the attention of vegetarians, how about offering them 1,001 Tips For Vegetarian Barbecuing?
QUICK & DIRTY REWRITE
Right now I have a major copywriting job awaiting my attention, so I’m determined not to spend hours on an unsolicited (and probably unwelcomed) freebie rewrite. So I’ll give this no more than 5 minutes, starting….NOW.
If your investment portfolio is worth at least $500,000, you need to protect it. After all, investments and securities involve the risk of loss. Even sophisticated investors can make disastrous mistakes — sometimes by what they do, sometimes by what they don’t do. If you’re a high net worth investor, you need to read our free report, “The Eight Biggest Mistakes High Net Worth Investors Make And How To Avoid Them.” This free report is loaded with easy-to-understand tips and techniques that will keep your portfolio safe — and protect your future. We’re Fisher Investments, and helping people like you protect their financial futures is what we do. For your free report, call 1-800-900-4179. That’s 1-800-900-4179. You’ve got nothing to lose by making that call — but a lot to lose if you don’t protect your investment. Call now for your free report at 1-800-900-4179.
That’s not polished. It could be better. But my 5 minutes are up.
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I listened twice, three times and got lost every time in the monotone
Voice. It just drones on and on. More like a torture device.
I find more and more voiceovers sounding that way. Not just the females however they do seem to be the most dull, for lack of a better word than the male’s voices.
I agree with your changes and in 5 minutes. I sent this to the copywriters here.
I’m sure I will hear a number of comments from them.