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Radio Commercial Critique for Sprinkler Systems

radio copywriting critique

A Radio Advertising Advantage member asked me to critique this commercial.

I’m sharing this sprinkler radio ad with his permission, with the sponsor name and phone number changed.

In a perfect world, it rains when you need it.

In the REAL world, you push a button and make

it rain with your state of the art sprinkler

system from Sprinkler World! Not only can you

turn on the rain, but you can save water with

new water efficient nozzles. Freeze and rain

sensors will automatically shut off the system

when icy and when it rains — saving your money

and water! For a free quote call 555-55-5555.

OR book on Facebook and save five-percent!

Sprinkler World. Things just got greener.

Dan’s Comments

Good opening line.

 

“state of the art sprinkler system”

That’s pretty generic and unconvincing.

Does the sprinkler system have a name?

If it’s XYZ Company’s Digital Autoflow sprinkler system (I’m just making that up), then you could say, “…make it rain with your own Digital Autoflow sprinkler system.”

Otherwise, what it says to me is, “If you want to be able to water your lawn, you should get a sprinkler system.”

 

“Freeze and rain sensors will automatically shut off the system when icy and when it rains — saving your money and water!”

Those points have genuine value, but I don’t think what stops someone who needs a sprinkler from getting a sprinkler system is the fear of wasting money and water when it’s icy or raining.

You need to identify:

1) What makes the targeted consumer want to buy a sprinkler system

and

2) What is stopping that person from buying one already.

 

This spot starts strong but then runs out of steam after “…you push a button a make it rain.”

You have two Calls to Action, and they’re contradictory.

One says to call for a free quote.

The other says to save 5% by booking on Facebook.

As a listener, “booking on Facebook” = buying.

So one Call to Action is to get a free quote, while the other is to buy on Facebook and save some money.

 

Pretty good tag line.

This would be better:

“Things just got greener…with Sprinkler World.”

That way, the tag line ties the benefit to the advertiser’s name.

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